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John's OwnA Search for the True Self
11月9日 Overcoming it allWell this past weekend I snuck in and out of Ottawa. I can't believe that I lived there. I spent over 30 years there and when I went back I couldn't believe the negativity. It was everywhere and just about on everyone. I am so glad to be home. I have to connection to the city, only the memories. It is just another city in the world that I know how to get around in.
I have learned that I am not the same person I was. I am so far removed from Ottawa and how that part of the world works. I have faced those demons and I have moved on. I am thankful there are still quiet calm places in the world. 11月5日 Are you Down?
My Favorite Song right now. It has been quite sometime since my last post. I added some photo's last night and decided to leave a quick note for anyone still visiting this site.
Alot has happened in the last while and life is good. Things can only go up from here. We have moved into our new house and are still attempting to get settled. Now that the pool is closed for the season it will leave alot of time to do just that. In the upcoming month we will be getting married. The countdown is on and we are both very excited to finally be a married couple. I will try to keep everyone updated as time goes on. Thank you for visiting John
11月24日 Good Friends are RareDuring my life I have had few what I would call "Good Friends". I have had alot of aquaintances. I can count the number of really Good Friends that I have on my hands.
They say that if you can make it through your life with 5 Good Friends you are a loved person. To me a Good Friend is a person that Gets you. That without communication is happy in your prescence. There is something to be said about familiarity in silence.
I look back over my life in reflection alot. I know that I have good friends old and new... Each of them have a very monumental part of my heart and will always be wrapped around my soul. Some of them may have drifted for reasons beyond control. However, like any good friend they find their way back again. Everything has a time and a place they say. I truely believe this. I believe that when you really need them they have a way of knowing. This is to be said for the friends that you haven't met yet. The love found in friendship is a very complex and yet simplistic thing.
When you are wrapped in it you know it. When you have had it you know it.... and when you find it well you know it. I realize now that I would not be whom I am without each of my good friends. Some have stood in the shadows and been my friend in silence throughout some of the most troubling times of my life. Some were good friends to me just in prescence and others well they are the out front screaming they are my friend type.
It is not often that you have someone thank you for being their friend. I hear it alot actually from one of my friends. So I am going to say it to my friends.
Susan - You have me known me the longest - from another time and another place. Almost feels like another life at times. I just want you to know that your friendship has always been in my heart... I never forgot you, our friendship, nor did I ever stop thinking of you, looking for you and hoping that we would find each other again. Thank to a power beyond our control here we are again. Thank you dear Susan for understanding ME... when I couldn't understand myself.
Linda - My dear dear dear Linda... My best friend in silence. I love you Linda... without you I don't know how I would have survived Ottawa. There are angels on earth they say. I know you are one of mine. I love you like a sibling and there is no way I could write this blog without thanking you for your dedication, compassion, love and understanding. You pushed me to make hard choices and because of that I will forever love you.....
Ken & Kim - Goes without saying that you have brought me a new found freedom in my heart... I laugh, feel safe and enjoy myself. HMMMM Enough said. You know how I feel about you two. I tell you as much as you will hear it. Thank you for loving me like part of the family.
I guess it goes without saying that I have to say something about the person that I was lead to. The person that made me a different person. There are alot of people that had a hand in my finding Kari. Alot of people that pushed me in silence to be the person I knew I could be with Kari's love.
Kari - You are my princess, don't you forget that love. You have my heart on a string. I have never felt so safe and loved.
It doesn't come easily to me to write like this. It is actually a very hard thing for me. I saved this in draft and wrote and stopped and wrote again. I still have reservations about publishing it. 10月23日 As Life Flies ByI've had a little writters block as of late. Life just seems to be stuck in a holding pattern in some ways and flying by me in others.
It is funny how there can be different facets of a persons life. I have been living 2 lives really. The old life that has me in a grip hold and won't let go and my new life that is so fabulous. It is hard to believe that I even had another life. However, the rude reminders of that time snake back into my world uninvited.
I often wonder what my life would have been like if I could sponge out the obvious and just have had the happiness I have now. The freedom to be the person I always have been and was never allowed to be.
I can't tell you how liberating it is to realize that I, John have the right to be happy, fullfilled and at peace. I have wonderful relationships in my life both romantically and non. I thank the stars everyday bringing Kari and all of our friends into my life. Without the love and support of all of them I am sure the outcome wouldn't have been so promising.
I smile & laugh everyday. That is a new facial expression. I love being home, I love my time with kari, our friends and by myself. It is a tremendous mix. One that is unbelievable at times. I have the freedom I have always wanted. The ability to just be ME.
I look forward to the day when I can scrap the remainder of the past off my shoe like a rotten piece of gum. Until that day I will just continue to be happy. NO matter what that can't be taken from me. Oh believe me there are those that will try, make it their goal to just try and punish me for what, I am still unsure. But good luck to you, I am in a different place and out of your reach...... why not try finding a little bit of happiness yourself and move on.....
J 8月29日 Serenity by the SeaLately I have had so much going on in my head that it has been overwhelming. Clarity of one thought comes and goes. However, in all of the disturbed thought processes, there is serenity. One would wonder how that is feasible. To find serenity in an overwhelming thought process.
I look at where my life has been, where I am today and what it is in my head that is overwhelming me. It isn't the present life that I lead that has me unfocused. It is the past life refusing to let go of me. That is correct, it isn't me holding on for dear life. It is parts of my past that refuse to take me out of the choke hold and let me go.
It is funny how a persons happiness can scare someone. How my will to carry on with my life, my sense of home, happiness and love, have set others in to a frenzy. The very fact that my happiness is reason to blame me, pursue chaos and turn what could be peace into war. Sometimes when you are treated like crap, the person who does it doesn't realize how much they lived off it. How much they enjoyed the chaos, the hurt and the unrest. They don't realize it until it isn't there anymore. So they find other ways to cause those same feelings in you....
I still find it hard to talk about, feel and remember. I guess I am somewhat ashamed that I let my moral compass allow someone to control my outcome. That I allowed someone to shape me into something I should have never been. Guilt is a huge factor in anyones control over you. I have been carrying a truck load of guilt for too long and now that I see things clearly without ridicule, it occured to me that the overwhelming feeling I am having is the thought that I have let and was still letting someone consume my spirituality.
I am a good man, a loving man and a caring man..... I know if I wasn't there is no way I would be so damned lucky as to have kari in my life. Having the life I have presently has made me realize just how little of a life I have had.
I find the peace in my heart here in NS on the ocean. I have the clarity and serenity I have always wanted in being here. It is a long road back from the narrows of hell. But for once in my life I can see the sun shining, hear the birds chirping and see the beautiful tree'd road out of here on the horizon.
I hope that all of you will continue to pursue your dreams, fight to overcome your demons and always remember that there is always a way out. It may be the hardest thing you have ever done and seem to be overwhelming and terrifying. But as I have found out along the way. You never regret your decision, as it was YOUR decision, YOUR choice and that is what life is all about.
John 8月14日 Not Along in the DarkNot Alone In The Dark Looking At What We Don’t Want To See It is one of life’s great paradoxes that the things we don’t want to look at in ourselves are the very things we need to look at in order to know ourselves better and to become more fully who we are. The feelings that make us want to run away are buried treasure full of energy and inspiration if we are willing to look. These feelings come in many forms, from strange images or snippets of information to recurring dreams and feelings that rise up seemingly without a reason. Whatever shape they come in, and no matter how scary they seem, these messengers bring the information we need in order to grow. For more information visit dailyom.com 7月30日 Disapproving FacesIt is not necessarily a pleasant experience, but there will be times in our lives when we come across people who do not like us. As we know, like attracts like, so usually when they don’t like us it is because they are not like us. Rather than taking it personally, we can let them be who they are, accepting that each of us is allowed to have different perspectives and opinions. When we give others that freedom, we claim it for ourselves as well, releasing ourselves from the need for their approval so we can devote our energy toward more rewarding pursuits.
While approval from others is a nice feeling, when we come to depend on it we may lose our way on our own path. There are those who will not like us no matter what we do, but that doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with us. Each of us has our own filters built from our experiences over time. They may see in us something that is merely a projection of their understanding, but we have no control over the interpretations of others. The best we can do is to hope that the role we play in the script of their lives is helpful to them, and follow our own inner guidance with integrity. As we reap the benefits of walking our perfect paths, we grow to appreciate the feeling of fully being ourselves. The need to have everyone like us will be replaced by the exhilaration of discovering that we are attracting like-minded individuals into our lives—people who like us because they understand and appreciate the truth of who we are. We free ourselves from trying to twist into shapes that will fit the spaces provided by others’ limited understanding and gain a new sense of freedom, allowing us to expand into becoming exactly who we’re meant to be. And in doing what we know to be right for us, we show others that they can do it too. Cocreating our lives with the universe and its energy of pure potential, we transcend limitations and empower ourselves to shine our unique light, fully and freely. Reprinted from dailyom.com 7月20日 New ConceptI have decided that I am going to find it easier and easier to socialize. It is funny to me how I was with 6 to 8 strangers last night and I had a better time with them than I have with people I have known forever.
Well I think the first thing I noticed was I was instantly regarded as part of the group. Funny how that happened I set up my chair and was instantly part of the circle. It has never came that easy. However, having Kari sitting beside me makes it so much easier. I find that when you have someone with you that attracts conversation it is so much more inviting to participate.
I found myself leaving the comfort of sitting beside her and moving away. Going with "the boys" into the kitchen to have a few sniffs of port. I was way out of my comfort zone and was laughing and having a good time. That by the way, felt unreal. Like I am actually living the life I knew was out there, the life that I really never thought I would have. Instant acceptance, Instant respect. Wow................
It seems unreal to me that I am now known as "Violent John" LOL not because I am... but because that is what the guys have nicknamed me. I used to hate nicknames but this one I will take. It was given to me in a fun and loving way. It is easy to see how someone could get wrapped up in that type of relationship. I never had a relationship like that before Kari. I have never had manly relationships where I would feel comfortable enough to even allow that type of situation to occur.
One thing that is even more ultimately amazing is the the diversity of relationships here. There is no age barrier. You are looked at as a person, not a number, a position, a social standing.... I am "Violent John" LOL. Why you ask, well cause I have a chair that is the bomb and all the guys were teasing me about sitting in it. And where I am the quiet type that makes me the violent type.. I am still laughing over it. That people can just joke around and mean it as just that a joke. No insulting mannerism, no harshness, just good friendly humor.
The evening went so well that at the end of it, I found myself making plans with one of the couples to attend a party at their home next weekend. Unreal hey. I am now in the group. This is an entirely new concept. One I will have to work on. One I will have to think hard on. I need to make sure I keep talking to the little voice in my head that tells me it isn't real. But it is...
So here is to my new lfe, my new persona and my new attitude. Now that is a new concept.
John 7月15日 Building on HappinessDiscovery is a process. A long road into the unknown that one can find themselves becoming a pessimist or an optimist. I would have told you long ago that Pessimism was my bed mate. I couldn't forsee that I would every be as content as I am at this point.
Life sometimes gives us a final breaking point so that we can start new again. My life has taken on a new turn.....A new goal, a new mission, a new JOURNEY......I find that since I made the break from my past life I have a new outlook on a lot of things.
It is funny how the old just clings to you. I think that sometimes it is nice to be around people that only want to see the sunshine and rainbows. Not the doom & gloom that can be cast upon anything in a seconds notice. I have been surprising myself lately. Seeing that I have strength to just pick up the pieces and move forward. That is something I have never been able to do in any event in my life. I was like a camel, just carrying it all for later use.
I think when you emerse yourself into the presence of others, it changes you. I spend alot of time meeting new people. It is something I have always hated. I am a shy person and an intravert, I am not the outgoing bubbly sort until I finally get to know someone. But lately, with being new here in NS and not knowing Everyone, I meet new people everytime I go somewhere.
It still shocks me as to just how friendly people are here. It really is another world from the rest of Canada. People aren't afraid to speak to you. I have people just strike up conversations with me in the line at the grocery store. They will tell you all about their lives if you have the patience. It is amazing to me that the level of secrecy that the rest of the country has, is lost here. Everytime I have the opportunity to meet new people, it constantly amazes me how much people want others to be comfortable. Tell you to use their home like it is yours, help yourself, have a nap etc. It amazes the hell out of me.
There are THOSE people still left. Ha Ha. I really used to get it in my head that this was a trend lost long ago. That no one trusted anyone and it was lost forever. I know now that I love Nova Scotia for more reasons. Friends are just that, friends. They aren't acquaintances. They will turn themselves inside out to help the other, share their souls with you if it makes you feel better, be open and honest, loving & caring and Tell you how it is. Ohhhhhhh fresh air...... It is so nice to have the politically correct shit of the world lost here. I love the tell it like it is philosophy.
One thing I have noticed is that you can pick out the people from "Away" very quickly. Those are the ones that are secretive, closed off and have a large bubble around them everywhere they go. Don't believe me.....Take a 2 week vacation in small town NS and see if you start picking them out after about day 5. LOL
So there is a peace growing larger in my heart. Knowing that I am safe, loved and cherished. That my feelings matter, that what I say is actually being heard, that when someone talks to you they are honestly listening to you and sharing thoughts, feelings & vision.
I am glad to start my new life here in 1950 LOL. But quite honestly I do love the old ways so deeply rooted here. That is one thing I love about Kari so much. She is a very old soul. She gets the bulk of her morals from her grandparents. They are Kari's two most cherished people on earth. What they taught her was that respect, morals, love, honesty and trust are not to be sacrificed. She learnt alot about responsibilty, accountability and what it takes to show you are what you say you are. Wow!!! it still amazes me everyday. Not too mention she knows all of the old ways of doing things..... It often reminds me of my Grandmother all those years ago on my trips to Collingwood. Maybe there is definately a larger safety in that feeling.
Regardless of all of it, I am happier. I can say that today. I am honestly content. I smiled most of the day yesterday and it was a new experience. Our friends are always telling me smile John.. LOL... They make fun of my photos on facebook all the time. I love them for their humour. ha ha
So here is to another foggy morning in Nova Scotia. To living on the ocean. To having sea air... Ahhhhhhhh Those are the three things that set my day off right.
John
7月13日 Seeing it first handI have known alot of abused women in my lifetime. I have no patience for bullying and abusive men. There is no need to mentally and physically hurt someone because you are so insecure in yourself that you have to dominate others. That is your problem. Not the person that is being abused. Last night I saw first hand what that rage looks like. I saw first hand what a man who is in the mind frame is capable of.
M is a friend and on the ground here in haliwood. She is very much like me, in that she has no one here that she can turn to if things were to ultimately go wrong. What we do have in common is Kari. I got a good taste of what having kari in your corner looks like last night. Somewhere in that head, is a crazy person. Not every person could have the emotional strength that I saw last night. It was really awing to see. I couldn't believe my terror and her absolute calm and agressive persona.
M called the house stating that her significant other had threw her across the room and she wanted to call the cops but was afraid to be there with him alone. First thing I know Kari is up off the bed. Telling me to get dressed and we are out the door. Things from here go from good to bad to ugly very quickly. I am a quiet person, an intravert really, I don't like confrontation and I don't like violence. I have had too much of that in my life. I have been where M has been. In a different time and a different place.
Kari took control like someone who had done this a trillion times. I just wanted to be anywhere but where I was but I couldn't leave two women to deal with one drunk, billigerent man, who was being physically abusive. Never in my life have I seen the level of protection that I received.
After sometime Kari had enough and called 911 herself. Requesting that officers be in route for a domestic dispute that was about to boil over. At this point the three of us were in the backyard and not even in the house. He was in the house. However, soon enough he had me cornered. I was sitting in a chair. Then this 6 foot , 205 lb man is hovering over me. Drunk, swearing and being billigerent. Kari still on the phone with 911 flipped. In less than 20 seconds she went from calmness to someone I had never seen before. To someone I know is unhinged. Someone who isn't going to tolerate this crap. She yells at him. Steps between the two of us and gets up in his face saying, "Your problem isn't with him, it is now with me and believe me I will knock you the F**k out. " Ok, who is this fearless person. Who is this person that is standing up for me. willing to take the beating of her life to protect me from violence. Where the hell was this person 50 years ago. All I could feel was I was a scared kid being cornered like all those years ago.
I was back in those school halls having the beating of my life... But instead of being alone I all of a sudden realized I had a protector. A person who wasn't going to allow anyone get the better of her. What I saw was amazing really. FEAR. He backed away from her. Calmed his tone....He was afraid of her, she stood up to him, she let him know that his Bullshit didn't have any weight with her. You could hear the 911 operator, still on the cel phone, screaming at kari to move.. get out... escape.... she is arguing with him as we are literally cornered.. and this had HIM totally off the hinges again.. drunks don't rationalize well.
But what ended up happening is just that. Kari managed to get all three of us from that situation without physical confrontation. And just like the switch, Kari is back to being calm, back to diffusing M and asking me if I am ok. Looking at me with fear in her eyes that I am coming undone. It was in that moment I saw what true love looks like. She was willing to be very badly hurt to protect me, she is living her own hell in that moment. Being the survivor of past domestic abuse herself, she is living it up close and personal. But there is still that wildness in her eyes. I have seen alot of angry people but the flashes there are beyond my realm of understanding. It is a loving rage... Not the rage that has always been directed at me.
How can someone who has lived such hell, overcome it and protect others from it? The long and the short of this whole event is that everyone is safe. HE has left the situation. Unfortunately, because kari was the one to call 911 in the first place, it was her that had to give all statements to the police. This was another 2 hr event. One that would have had anyone unhinged. Nope not here. She told the entire story like it was just that, a story, not happening... Here she had M huddled between Kari and I... protecting us both and reassuring the both of us everything was ok. meanwhile turning back to the officer every 2 seconds to have her written statement put into record. AMAZING is what I learnt. That I know the level of trust I can have in someone. That without a doubt I will be protected from the evils of the world.
Like kari told the cop like he was her best friend "I have ZERO tollerance for this F**king Bullshit". The officer smiled at her and said Yes me too.
I am still here today in amazement at the entire event. How in the midst of total terror I learned great lessons about myself, about my life and about Kari... I never have to have FEAR again.
John 7月11日 The Hardest of DecisionsI am the worst person for making decisions in my life. Not for anything else, just in my personal life. I have had to think really hard on how I can handle situations that unfortunately have always been out of my control.
About a month ago, Kari and I sat down with my personal therapist( yup I have one, who doesn't???). It became apparent that everyone could see the life I was living, how it affected me then and how it affects me now and how I should handle it from now on. Ok, that would be simple, if I could see it, buy into what you are saying and allow myself to not be affected.
I have this deep need to be surrounded by chaos... that isn't who I am really. But according to popular belief, it is a record that keeps playing in my head. That past events from long ago in another life set the record in motion. From that moment in time, I have been searching for that same level of disrest in others. WHY? Because on some subliminal level, "I deserve that". It has always been in my way. I have attached to people that were the exact same as people from past lives. I have sought out people that I knew would eventually learn to treat me like crap.
It is true what they say about throwing a stone in the water, the ripples will be felt. I would say that someone has been diving back in for my rock and throwing it over and over. The one thing that does bring a smile to my lips now, is knowing that the past hasn't taken me from this world. I was strong enough to survive. I was strong enough to overcome all the years of absolute terror. And somewhere deep in my soul, I know I am strong enough to make the decisions that I have to.
See sometimes, you just have no choice. You come to a point in your life, when that is just what it should be....YOUR LIFE...... I am taking back mine the only way I know how and that is cutting off the bridge from the past. It doesn't mean I can't put down a plank and crawl back over. But what it does mean is I will decide what seeps back across, on my time, in my own way and without being bullied into it.
There are alot of things in this world that I have no control over, have no say in, can't reconcile. Someday, maybe that will happen. Someday, maybe in another life time it will be resolved. All the "realness" of it will come alive again. But for now, there are things that come first. And most importantly on that list is ME.......I have to be my own person, in control of just that ME. And I can't find that true person still riding the drama of another life. I have to have more respect, love and care for my own soul. For the soul of my love......she deserves better and it is my goal to have the life I always wanted... the one I have promised her.....peace, quiet, calmness..............
So as I go off into the day to start createing my nest of sanctuary, my wish for all of you today is to find your return to innocence, your little peace of heaven on earth, within the world and within yourselves.
John
7月8日 The Stalmate has endedLiving Past, Present & Future is hard for some. Harder still when some are living in the past, some in the present,and some looking to the future. It makes a hard mix that isn't easily balanced.
I have spent some time doing just that. There are alot of different aspects to my life. I juggle the past, I am in the present and I look forward to the future. What I never expect is to have someone inform me that what I had placed in the future is right here and ready in the present.
That happened recently and it scared me. What if I don't want the past, present and future to all blur together. What if I am happy right as things have been? What if I don't want our unspoken stalmate to be over. What if I want to keep living in my own state of mind and you to live in yours. What if the very thought of you blurring into my present and future makes me uneasy. What if I know it is for the best to some and well NOT to me.
What if I just need time. What if I want it this way. What if I am terrified to be in your presence? Does that make sense? Hmmmmmm I think so. I don't want the Past of the other, to stare me in the face during my present & future.
I watched you come and go. Leave and come back. Knowing that you are forever present even if I don't see you face to face. I respect you in alot of ways, I even laugh at the things you say and do. But for nowI will keep my distance. I am not ready to integrate and as much as you say you are, I highly doubt you are prepared.
So til then we will leave it like it is, ok Bill........
John 7月6日 What the Tattoo Made me realizeWell that was absolutely fabulous. I have only been a M.I.T. ( Maritimer in Training ) for 13 months now and I know I am a true maritimer now.
As I watched the performance and saw the lone bagpiper play as the young ladies were doing highland dancing. I looked over at kari and here she is totally covered in goosebumps and tears rolling down her cheeks. That is what she always told me was in her soul. That she is a born & bred Nova Scotian, that her allegiance is first and last to NS.
Well today I want to take off the M.I.T and be a true Maritimer. I think I am nearing my promotion to Nova Scotian. I have been slowly going through the conversion process from Upper Canadian to Nova Scotian. I have been told that there are alot of people here that will never be Bluenoser's and always be "From Away" That is sooooo true. I can't believe that even I can pick them out now. It is so hard to believe how even someone here for 20 years can still have the mentality of away.
There is alot to being a maritimer. It means: Fun, Respect, Heart, Good times & and over whelming love for the customs, province and the unsaids. No Worries being the most used saying I have ever heard. LOL I realize after being here for these past 13 months that I was never made to be an inlander. It just isn't the type of person I am. I remember watching kari when she lived with me in Gat and not fully understanding the layer of insland craziness she was having. She always told me "These people aren't my people, these are angry, self consumed and most without manners & morals - How have you lived here? It is killing me?"
Sure enough those words are TRUE...... I am here now and never want to go back. Kari has tried to get me on a plane a couple of times to visit friends or just go to Mtl to have a weekend in the city. NO. I am loving it here. The quiet, the slow, and I will look forward to fall when all the inlanders go back home.
So for many of you, you have never met me. some of you have. But not the John that is a maritimer. Not the john who loves the sound of the fiddle, bagpipe and a good Keiths to accompany him. I have changed alot in 13 months. I realized that yesterday. I am on my way dear friends, to finding the John locked in my soul.
Kari took his vid of me while I wasn't expecting it. I was just ending an impersonation only for her. So no I am not having an epileptic fit ha ha. Just thought you would like to see the John that kari sees.
John
7月5日 Adventures in HaliwoodToday is finally here. I have been waiting for this day for 7 months. I purchased tickets to the Royal International Tattoo back in December and we are finally going. All the years kari has been a Haligonian and she has never attended. ha ha. Here I am a M.I.T. ( maritimer in training) and I am off to the Tat.
I have heard great things about this event. I will be sure to review it for you this evening. So we are making a date of it. Going to take the ferry across the harbour, have some lunch and then off to the tat.
Here is the link incase you are interested.
John 7月4日 Exciting DayI got the greatest gift this morning. One I had been secretly hoping for in my mind. One that I had been trying to coax along.
There are those gifts you once received that you so wanted at the time that when it was gone it crushed you a little. That is what happened to me. I had a gift that I could count on everyday. The words of a friend, that somehow touched the very soul I was so trying to find. It is hard to explain what it feels like to be able to read another person's words and know that they are talking directly to you. That they have in some way captured the essense of what you feel but can't speak out loud.
When those words stop, no longer are there to view over and over - well it was like losing a piece of my soul again. I have been doing some coaxing. Some requests. I awoke this morning to a the greatest gift, the words are back. Maybe not in the same form, the same verse, the same style, but they are back. That lights my heart up like nothing else has in quite a while.
Not only is it a gift to me but hopefully to others feeling the loss, the despair and looking for a way out. One thing I have learned is in all darkness there is a light waiting. The hard part is finding it.
John
7月3日 ReflectionsI have been spending alot of time lately going back,forward and present on my thoughts. It has occured to me that our thoughts are much like a reflection in a mirror. What we see isn't necessarily what has been looking back at us. My life is best described as being the mirrors from a carnival. You know the one where there are hundreds of different mirrors that distort you and alter your reflection. You start seeing something that isn't really there but what has been put there for you to see.
Many times I saw what was there but instead of facing that reflection I chose the trickery and went with the distorted vision. My own reflection was just too hard to handle. Even more, I find it hard to believe that I faced the reflection and kept gazing at it. I accepted it for what it was and chose to keep the vision. It was that moment that made me decide that all the trickery in the world wasn't going to make me not see it again.
It was in that historic moment that I gave up all the smoke & mirrors and started living a life more truer to the reflection that was there to be seen. The life I saw in those moments was a scary one. One that alot of people who read this blog know all to well of. In all of those brief moments of realization strung together I was so scared at the outcome I at first didn't know how to put one foot in front of the other. I didn't know how to carry on with what I was faced with.
I felt in those days like a ghost living the life of a mortal. Sliding in and out of reality and wishing only for death. Not that I wanted to be dead, that was far removed from the truth. I hadn't lived, I wanted to live, to breath the air of freedom. The freedom of my soul. The freedom to feel the good and the bad that was within me. The reflection as bad as it was at that time - was my own. A vision I had not allowed myself to see in the beginning and overtime had been altered by others around me. I had lost ME.
On the day I chose to face all of my fears and find my dreams I was faced with the realization that my reflection from now on would be ever changing and that I deserved the chance to view that. To see what was behind ever reflection I would get to see. Something in that excited me. Made me understand that no matter what angst I may feel in my life time to come it was just that MY LIFE. I had many great realizations in that one moment of reflection. That memory is one of the clearest I have. One where there is no guessing, no grasping for more information. It was all there as clear as the reflection I saw. I must move on to be the person I always should have been. The person that my parents saw in me. The person that others saw in me. The person I was letting be stunted by others, by my demons, by the life that I had chosen.
It takes great strength to realize that you can start over. That you are strong. That you have the ability to be whatever you wish, whenever you wish, if you are willing to strive hard enough to obtain it. It hasn't been easy to be where I am today. And by no means am I whole. I may never be whole. But one thing I do know is that I am loved, I am starting to understand myself, I am able to share my pain, my dreams, my thoughts etc without feeling that it is all an illusion. I don't wake up in the morning without a feeling a purpose. I have one now, and that is to find myself. I will get there and even as the road ahead of me looks daunting I still have a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry upon. Ears to laugh upon, eyes to shine when the smile touches my lips. I will be whatever I set out to be and maybe in the journey i just may find JOHN.
*** I found new lyrics again that touched a piece of my heart - I don't usually listen to the words of a song, only the beat, but this one is always on Sirius so I took a look and yes the words are worthy of print ***
Raindrops by Stunt
Feels like the raindrops (x8)
Hold my hand lets chase the sun We both know something's begun Nothing feels that real without you Wanna learn so much about you Shining star I've seen your face Everything falls into place Nothing else seems to matter You bring me to life Feels so lonely Won't you show me Where I need to be You bring me to life Feels like the raindrops on my skin You reach me somewhere deep within You make my body come alive You bring me to life I whisper things you never knew I can't believe that tonight I'm here with you You make my body come alive You bring me to life See it burning in my eyes Don't want words, Don't want no lies They say more than what is spoken Promises always get broken Feels so lonely Won't you show me Where I need to be You bring me to life Feels like the raindrops on my skin You reach me somewhere deep within You make my body come alive You bring me to life I whisper things you never knew I can't believe that tonight I'm here with you You make my body come alive You bring me to life J
6月29日 Close your eyes, Take a deep Breath, Spread your arms & JUMPI am still new to sharing my life with others. I left that to other people, I was always the one to help not one to seek help. There are alot of things that are ever surprising to me. Comments, events & statements that still leave me feeling like I have been cut open.
Finding the right words isn't easy for me. I feel it but to bring it to the surface to examine it closer, well that is close to impossible somedays.
Alot of you would be surprised to know that for some time my ex wife has been reading my page. Many people would have closed up shop, turned away from this way of therapy and hid. It still is shocking to me that she would even care what I say. But it would be idiotic of me to believe for one second that is her motive. I know it isn't. Her mission is to find a way to cut me open so deep I will only be the shell she helped me become. A recent statement made to a complete stranger about me has left me reeling. I started laughing when I was told " John gets whatever John wants anyways" HMMM WHAT!!!!!! Were we in the same life for 3 decades. likely not. Cause I saw things for what they were, not the nicely put on curtain for the puppet show life I led.
Some would think it is anger I feel today. But actually it is quite the opposite. I feel nothing but a sense of loss. A disbelief that I didn't see all along what I was doing to myself and inturn allowed others to do to me. I have never, nor will I ever say anything bad about YOU...... So if you read only to hear that - forget it. You will have to deal with my happiness, I only hope that someday you will experience the same.
I got to where I am by closing my eyes, taking a deep breath, spreading my arms and Jumping into the unknown. Instead of the great fall I thought I would take, I landed on both feet with a smile on my face and a warmer place in my heart. I have learned what you see isn't always what it appears and what you feel is what you follow.
So to You I say. Goodbye to yesterday, hello to tomorrow and thanks for the.........................!!!!!! May you find the life you always wanted to have.
John 6月25日 Question Series - #48 - Forgiving YourselfJune 25, 2008
Question Series #48 - Forgiving YourselfWe all know what it feels like to feel guilty about something and many of us struggle with feeling guilty all the time. Guilt makes us feel that we are somehow unforgivable. While this experience is common, it is detrimental to our overall wellbeing. Feeling guilty generally promotes a sense of powerlessness-an anguished agonizing over a past action that cannot be changed. The problem with this is that it doesn't inspire us to forgive ourselves, make amends for mistakes, and move forward free of emotional baggage. In this case, it is a neurotic preoccupation rather than a fair assessment of wrongdoing followed by a course of action that leads to reparation. You may need to make an apology, or you may need to make some changes in yourself. Know that with each action you create healing for yourself and anyone you have hurt. Finally, learn from your mistakes, but never beat yourself up. Know that you are inherently good, love yourself, and always do your best. Then there will be no place for guilt in your life. Q48 Are You Hanging On To Guilt? If So, How Does This Effect Your Everyday Life And What Are You Doing To Improve Your Situation And Lessen The Guilt?
4月9日 Living the Life I always WANTEDWell the trip to Cuba as you can see from the pictures was a huge success. Neither Kari or myself wanted to leave our Cuban paradise and return to the "real world".
It was a long awaited vacation for me. One where I can do what I want, when I want and just be ME. That is exactly what I got and I have to tell you it was scary and liberating. It is hard to believe I have gone decades without an identity. Now I have found the long road back to ME.
I have done something very scary and well mind boggling since the return from Cayo Guillermo. Kari suggested something totally out of left field to me. It scared, exhiliarated and just about shocked me. " Lets go away again" Ok well that is easy. But she booked us to go to Punta Cana in 25 days LOL.
I had to seek professional counsel on the feelings around that one. I was actually scared to have a life. To not feel I didn't deserve it. BUT now I am totally excited.
Last night Kari sat her and booked our summer vacations. I know, I know... it is only April. However, we do live in the tourist mecca of canada if you ask me. So we are all planned up from now til labour day. ha ha
I hope you are enjoying the pictures and enjoying my journey with me. It is only up from here my friends.
John
Foods and their WW Points
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